Weapons of Mass Distraction
by IcyKali
Summary: Everyone knows this cliche: the heroes harness the power of love, the villains weaponize hate. But what if they got swapped? Due to Krang's lack of double-checking, the villains end up stealing a magic doomsday weapon that runs on love, while the turtles end up having to safeguard one that runs on hate. Hilarity ensues.
1. Grand Theft Staff-o

It was a cold February night, and our four favorite turtles were asleep in their beds, dreaming of pizzas, having nightmares of a horrible Christmas special with faux Jamaican accents and teeth moving separately from animatronic mouths—

WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! Bam!

Michelangelo was jolted awake. "Woah! That's one electrifying pizza, dude!" he yelped.

The brave leader Leonardo had fallen out of bed onto his shell. He lay on the floor, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Raph was stirring as well. He yawned. "This had better not be just a test, Donatello," he said pointedly.

"Don't worry," said Donatello. "Even I wouldn't have a drill at three AM. This is a real inter-dimensional emergency!"

The ninja turtles rushed to grab their weapons, before entering Don's room. They saw that on their small, surprisingly retro-looking viewscreen, was a flashing red INCOMING TRANSMISSION message.

"I'll get it!" said Don. He sat down and pressed a button. An image of a Neutrino appeared, with a background of some Aztec-looking buildings behind him.

"You gotta help us, hepcats," said the Neutrino, with surprising gravity. "I'm a priest here, and the uncool Krang, Shredder, and their goons are trying to take a weapon from our temple!"

"We'll be right there!" yelled Leonardo, already activating the dimensional portal.

"Turtles fight with honor!" the four of them cried, jumping through. They appeared in a city that looked like what they imagined El Dorado would be like, except the sky was dark red.

The Neutrino priest was standing in front of them, and he pointed towards a large building made of gold-colored bricks. "There's the temple those squares are trying to ransack!" he said.

"I don't think we've ever been here, guys," said Mikey.

"Now's not the time for tourism!" yelled Raph. He was already running to the temple in front of them. The other three turtles followed suit.

"You know," said Leo, as they ran, "we really should've told Krang to stop taking over worlds altogether!"

"We can't handle everything! We're not superheroes!" yelled Raph.

The turtles were forced to stop short, as suddenly, something inside the temple exploded, showering bits of debris all over them! When smoke stopped billowing out, they cautiously entered.

The turtles saw two stone pedestals, one of which had a stunning, green, jeweled staff on it. The other had nothing on it.

"Like I said," said Raph, "we're not superheroes." He turned to the Neutrino priest, who had been following them. "It looks like we came too late," he said apologetically.

"All is not lost!" said the priest. "Those squares only touched the first staff! The other is still here!"

"Can you give us some exposition dialogue, so we know why these staffs are important?" asked Leo.

"Sure thing. This temple holds two staffs, one blue and one green, both of which have magic powers. One feeds off hate, and the other off of love. But the powers of the staffs cancel each other out, and they take time to charge with your emotions, so there's still a chance to stop Krang and his goons!"

"No points for guessing which staff they took," Raph whispered to Mikey.

"We'll keep this green staff at our lair for safekeeping, until we deal with Krang. Because of plot conveniences, he never found where we lived!" Leo picked up the green staff, which had a serpent design, and the four turtles left through the same portal.

When they got back, Mikey yawned. "I'm too tired to charge up the staff with love right now," he said. "Let's get some shut-eye first."

"No way!" said Don. "Krang has so much hate in his ganglia, he could already have charged the blue staff by now."

"We can't save the world on no sleep, Donatello." Leonardo stood the green staff up by Don's bed.

"Yeah," said Raph, who was already getting into bed. "And I really hate it when we're woken up by that alarm!"

None of the four turtles saw the staff glow a sickly green at Raphael's words.


	2. Rule the World with Love

_Meanwhile, in a spaceship back in Dimension X…_

"You're amazingly dense for a brain, Krang! What do you mean you don't know how to charge the staff?"

"You came from a country full of superstition, Shredder! You should know!"

"You have no right to insult anyone's backgrounds, seeing as you're from a dimension chock full of filth!"

"Ignorant primate!"

"Overconfident lump of grey matter!"

"…well, now we know this staff can't be the right one," warbled Krang. "If we could weaponize the power of our arguments, we'd already be invincible by now."

"How did we manage to swipe the wrong one?" Shredder asked, incredulous.

"It's not my fault that the Neutrino's language uses the same word for blue and green!"

Shredder grinned behind his faceplate. " Normally I'd fly into a rage at this," he said, "but I'm just glad it wasn't Bebop and Rocksteady that failed this time. I think the Red Sky's more serious re-tooling is working in our favor."

"And at least we have a new WMD to play with!" said Krang excitedly. "We'll just have to make the best of this."

"Weapon of mass destruction it may be," said Shredder, "but I for one, haven't felt love for anyone since my dau—nevermind."

"I wouldn't worry. The myths didn't specify the type of love!" Krang turned to face the blue staff, which was under a glass dome. "I love _John & Marsha_! It's my favorite show." The staff became lit with a soft blue in response.

"Ah, this will be easy!" said Shredder. "I love my porcelain collection!" The staff glowed more brightly. "I bet those goody-two-shoes turtles won't be able to muster up hatred for anything at all! We've won already!"

"What makes you think the turtles have the other staff?" asked Krang.

"It's their universe, Krang. We're just conquering worlds in it."


	3. Brother Against Brother

_In the turtle's lair… _

The turtles woke up to the smell of pizza fresh-out-of-the-oven. Well, Leo, Raph, and Don did, anyway. When the three ventured into the kitchen, they saw no pizza to match the smell, and a Michelangelo seated at the table with crumbs all over his face.

"How could you, Michelangelo?" asked Leonardo.

"Oops, sorry." Mikey grabbed a napkin and wiped the crumbs off his face.

"He doesn't mean that!" said Raph. "How could you eat our breakfast pizza?"

"What can I say, guys," Mikey said. "Sudden alarms make me mucho hungruso."

Leonardo looked at him sternly. "Just because we had that emergency with the staff doesn't mean—the staff! We have to go charge it, pronto!" Leo ran back to the bedroom and quickly brought the green staff and placed it on the table. It was already glowing a faint green.

"Hey," said Donatello, "it's already glowing. I guess we exude love just for being heroes!"

"How do we charge it up?" asked Leo.

"Uh, I'm not sure. I may be a man of deus ex machina, but not necessarily magic. Try thinking of people you love?"

The four of them closed their eyes and tried to meditate on their loved ones. Their Master Splinter, April…

"Is it glowing yet?" asked Mikey, opening one eye to peek at the staff.

"Not yet," answered Leo.

"Is it now?"

"Not yet."

"Now?"

"Like I just said, Michelangelo, no it isn't."

"What about now?"

"No!"

Mikey paused for a minute, then… "How about now?"

Leo broke out of position. "For the last time, no it isn't working yet! Stop goofing around!"

Only then did the staff respond, its sickly green glow was getting brighter.

"Uh oh," said Raphael. "I think we might have the wrong magical doomsday weapon on our hands!"

"Well, at least we're safe," said Donatello. "You never see villains using the power of love in cartoons."

"Yeah, but I'm sure they just love the idea of frying us in our shells!" said Raph.

"Raphael is… sort of right," said Leo warily. "We should charge up the staff just in case."

"But we're good guys!" said Mikey. "We can't use the power of hate! I consider myself too chill to do something like that."

For better or worse, that comment made Raphael decide to use his superpower: making jokes at the expense of everyone. "Really, Michelangelo? You didn't sound too chill the day you ruined a whole batch of pizzas when I switched the flour with talcum powder."

"So that was you, dude!" Mikey yelled. "That was mondo uncool!" The staff glowed brighter. "Well, I once put itching powder on your mask before training for making wisecracks at me!"

"How dare you! I didn't find out why I was sneezing for a week!"

Raph and Mikey started to push each other around, but when they tried to get their weapons, Leonardo blocked them.

"This is seriously counter-productive!" he scolded.

"I might put that a little differently," said Donatello, watching the staff. It was even brighter, and the turtles could feel an agitating pulse coming off of it.

"Donatello, we can't charge up the staff by disagreeing! It's unethical!" said Leo.

"Well, do you have a better idea to stop Krang, oh so wise and powerful leader? I should know how to fix this! I'm the scientist!" Don shot right back. He let out a gasp. "S-sorry Leonardo. I don't know what came over me there."

"It's okay, Donatello," said Leo. "Having this thing around must be influencing us."

Splinter appeared outside the kitchen door. "What is troubling you, my sons?" The ninja turtles told him about the staff.

"The only way we can be sure to stop Krang and Shredder it to charge the green staff," said Leo. "But we don't want to wreak havoc by hating each other!"

"Ah, wait one moment," said Splinter. He turned back down the hall, and came back with something hidden underneath his kimono. "While normally hatred is a vile, corrupting presence, on occasion it may help motivate you to do good."

"But we can't focus our hatred on people! Or turtles, or mutants in general, as the case may be, Master," said Raph.

"Some things are worth hating," said Splinter, and he revealed a VHS case with the words, _We Wish You a Turtles Christmas_ on it.

It was not long before the green staff was bright as NYC in the middle of a blizzard.


	4. Love Drunk

Fortunately for our heroes, the villains found it harder than they thought to think of the things they loved. Shredder had decided that sleep would help him think of something, while Krang chose to study the staff itself to see if he could charge it artificially.

"I've got something, Krang!" Shredder announced, marching out to the bridge. "I just love how we can shut Bebop and Rocksteady in the brig with a couple of comic books, and they won't bother us!"

Krang didn't seem to hear. He looked practically zombified; he was staring straight at the staff and his eyes were all buggy.

Shredder raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong, Krang? Did the bright light give you a seizure?"

Krang perked up. "Shredder, there you are! I was reminiscing about days past," he said. "I just wanted to apologize for telling General Tragg that 'Saki' is a woman's name."

"Hmph, you had better be sorry for that… anyway, now let's charge up this weapon! We'll both raze and level New York!"

Krang was not in evil overlord mode. He went up and hugged Shredder's leg (even in his bubble-walker device, Krang was pretty short).

"What the devil's gotten into you?" asked Shredder, simultaneously amused and perturbed.

"I can't help it! The magic energy is making me all sentimental." Krang wiped a tear from his eye.

"Yeah, right. Get a hold of yourself…" Shredder trailed off. He had turned to look at the staff himself, and he felt similarly enchanted. "…well, actually, I guess my incredibly destructive revenge can wait."

"Oh, Shredder, it's been so long since we sat down and had a real conversation that wasn't an argument! I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate that you've stayed with me for so long."

Shredder got down on one knee to be closer to Krang's eyelevel. "Krang… I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," he said, tears in his eyes.

"And ever will, most likely. You know that we could be snapped back into status quo again any second, don't you?"

Shredder hugged Krang close to him. "Then let's say everything we're feeling right now, before we have to pretend we despise each other!"

"Oh, Shredder, you're the only being in either or our dimensions that would put up with someone so despicable, and still have the bravery to insult me!"

"I'm so glad you won't vaporize me for my many mistakes!"

"You'll always save me when I'm in danger!"

"Your eyes are my favorite shade of lavender…."

With each utterance spoken in this repulsive villainous love-fest, the blue staff glowed brighter, and their emotions just kept on welling up.

"Do you still remember how we first met, Krang? I didn't know how loudly I could scream until that fateful day."

"Of course I do. My first impression of humans was that they were abhorrent, but Shredder, you are the least abhorrent human I've ever known."

"Never have I been so happy to be damned by faint praise!"

The sound of clumsy, heavy footsteps resounded. The door to the bridge opened, and revealed Bebop and Rocksteady.

"'Ey boss," said Rocksteady. "Da soda machine broke and we, uh… "

"I think we's in Bizarro World," said Bebop. Even mutants as sluggish in the brain as the warthog and rhinoceros knew something was off right away.

Krang looked up at them. "I've always felt like you were my own sons." Krang smiled with an uncomfortable lack of ill intent.

Shredder stood back up and opened his arms wide. "Let's all have a group hug, and then I'll cook us some turkey… with pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes!"

"Mama!" screamed Bebop in terror, and he and Rocksteady ran as fast as their ugly legs could carry them, with their "parents" hot on their tails. The staff, which had a fish design, was totally forgotten, and emanated warm fuzzy feelings.


	5. Four Angry Mutants

An observer who didn't know better would have thought that the turtles were hung over. They lay on the couch in front of the TV, holding their heads and moaning.

"I feel like I've been watching this for, like, days, man," Michelangelo said, about to burst into tears. "I'd rather fight Dregg twenty times over than listen to the 'Wrap Rap' again."

Donatello was just plain dazed. "This will haunt my dreams forever. It's so bad… how can it exist! They just randomly chose when the mouths open and close!"

"We're all the same brain-dead idiot!" Leonardo shouted.

"Who would buy a framed pizza? Who would sell that?" asked Raph.

"Splinter looks like bigfoot roadkill!"

"How could they subject us to the whole twelve days song?"

"Why the kids in the sewer?"

"Why did 'we' talk over the credits for so long?"

"The end was like an existential crisis!"

"I'd smash it with a hammer, but that would be insulting to the hammer!"

Suddenly, Splinter hit the ground with his staff, the sharp sound breaking the turtles out of their reverie. He was carrying the green staff. "Turtles!" he called. "The magic staff appears fully charged!"

"Alright!" said Raphael. "Time to blast Krang and Shredder!"

"Wait, my sons! You must not focus your hatred on—"

"They deserve to be hated, Master Splinter! Villainy needs to be purged!" yelled Leonardo.

Suddenly, the five of them heard a loud beeping noise, the sound of an incoming inter-dimensional viewscreen call.

"Damn it, why does it have to be now?" mumbled Donatello. The turtles went and turned on the screen, and none other than Krang's and Shredder's mugs appeared. They looked absolutely ecstatic.

"What're you so happy about, you scum?" asked Leonardo. "The destruction of our city? Well, we're going to destroy you first!"

"Oh no, not at all!" said Krang. "We've called to tell you that we're leaving you in peace, forever! And we're returning the weapon!"

"What?" yelled the turtles simultaneously.

"We found something so much better than tyrannical rule, haven't we, honey?" said Shredder.

"That's right, my little blossom of hope!" said Krang.

The turtles, although dumbfounded and horrified, noticed that in the background of the viewscreen's picture, the blue staff was fully charged as well.

"This is so disgusting, but I don't know what color to turn! I'm already green!" said Michelangelo.

"This doesn't cross the line of wrongness," said Raph, "it leaps over it and then scorches it with a blowtorch!"

Shredder and Krang were shocked, then offended. "What are you saying?" asked Krang.

"Can't you see how disgusting that is? It's wrong on so many levels, it creates its own dimension of total wrongness!" yelled Don.

"How dare you say that, you close-minded mutants!" snapped Shredder. "We take back what we said about giving back the weapon!"

Leonardo grinned. "Why not meet us in front of Channel 6, for old time's sake? Have ourselves a nice little final battle?" he asked.

"Fine by us!" said Krang. "Nobody can defeat the power of love!" The viewscreen went blank once more.

Splinter looked enraged at his sons. "Do you not see what you've done?" he yelled. "You might not have had to resort to violence!"

"Just hand over the weapon, gramps," said Raphael, "or would you rather get a sai through the tail?"

"Or better yet," said Leonardo, "why not lose the tail all together?" He brandished his sword.

"It's simple logic," said Donatello. "You just can't feel enough hatred to use the staff. You don't have a choice."

"Let's just knock him out and be done with it, dudes," said Michelangelo. "The more time we waste here, the longer I'll have to go without a pizza."

"It's not fun without all the threats of bodily harm, you idiot!" said Raph.

"Let the grown-ups do the talking, baby brother," said Leo.

As the turtles argued, Splinter quietly slipped away, hiding behind Donatello's computer equipment.

"Hey, I don't see that old dirty rat," said Raph. "Oh well, time to go dish out some justice!"

After the turtles left, Splinter said a prayer that his sons would remember who they truly were.


	6. More Than a Feeling

The turtles were waiting impatiently in front of the new Channel 6 building, when April, holding her video camera, ran up to them.

"Hey guys," she said. "What's going on? Is there a scoop in this somewhere?"

Raphael sneered at her. "Stupid banana raincoat wearing b—"A car drove by, masking the sound. "Half our plots are about some problem you caused!" Raphael took one of his sais, and stabbed it right through the camera lens. The glass shattered. "That's what I think of your reporting!"

April was taken aback. "Wh-what's your problem? I'm your friend, and I haven't worn that jumpsuit in years!"

"Just stay out of our way, April," said Michelangelo. He grabbed her arm, and held up his nunchuks. "Or would you rather be put to sleep?"

Before things could go further downhill, the turtles and April heard an incredibly loud roar, and were blasted by warm air.

"That must be Shredder and Krang," said Leonardo. "Show yourselves, you degenerates!"

A giant metal spaceship, so large it stretched from one side of the street to the other, suddenly rippled into existence right over their heads.

"Oh, so this story's ripping off Star Trek now, too?" said Raphael. "I want a new writer!"

April groaned. "Of all the times to have my camera broken by the turtles gone evil…"

A florescent, cyan tractor beam appeared from the bottom of the ship, and when it touched the road, Shredder and Krang appeared. Shredder was holding the love staff.

"Hey, you filth!" Raphael shouted at them. "That hunk of junk's a big step down from the Technodrome, isn't it?"

"The joke's on you, turtles!" Shredder shouted back at them. "We don't need the Technodrome, because we have each other!"'

"Ugh," said Leonardo. "Enough talk! Time for you to die, villains!" Leonardo tried to raise the green staff, only to find that it wasn't there. Michelangelo was holding it.

"I wanna be the one to blast them, dude," he said. "I don't get enough cool action scenes!"

Donatello bared his teeth at Mikey. "You don't get enough? I get the least! Give the damn thing to me!" Don kicked Mikey in the stomach and tore the staff from his hands, but Raph yanked it from Donatello.

"Thank you, Donatello," said Raph. "I'm the rough n' tumble turtle, so I should be the one to get them."

"I'm the leader! Give it to me!" yelled Leonardo.

"Well, that's just it! I should be the leader instead!"

"I deserve it more than any of you dolts!"

"Give it back to me, dudes. I need to improve my image!"

The green staff, in fact, ended up in none of the turtles' hands, as a gigantic, sparkly blue energy blast knocked them clean off their feet, sending them flying into the doors of Channel 6. Their green staff spun though the air, and April caught it.

Shredder and Krang walked up to her. "Hello, Ms. O' Neil," said Krang. "Would you be a dear and not use that weapon on us? We'll even leave your precious little city alone."

April stared at them in disbelief. "Uh, um, okay then… I don't really know what this thing is, but—"April looked down at the weapon, and she began feeling angry and hateful. "Wait, you always used to kidnap me! Eat this!" She lifted the staff, and it sparked with green electricity. She swung it down on the road, and the impact created a huge shockwave, bowling the villains over. "Payback's sweet," said April.

The turtles had already recovered, and ran towards April.

"Stop right there!" April yelled, pointing the weapon at them. "I'll turn the four of you into ashes until you give me money for a new camera!"

Raphael growled, and he chucked a sai straight at her, but a soft blue glow surrounded it, and it flew up into the air.

"What the shell happened there?" said Raphael.

"Wrong catchphrase, dude," said Mikey.

"Aw, shut up, you surfer stereotype—"Raph's body glowed blue as well, and he was lifted into the air. "Hey! I can't move!"

Shredder and Krang had gotten up while the turtles were distracted. "Really, you should learn how to stop arguing," said Krang. "It worked wonders for us!"

Leonardo sneaked up on April, and swept her feet out from under her. He wrenched the staff from her hands, and rushed forward with it.

It shot out more crackling sparks, and Leo ran towards Shredder and Krang, but before he could reach them, Shredder held out the blue weapon, and it created a faint force field. Leonardo stuck the force field with his staff, and… both depowered completely.

"What the?" yelled Leonardo. "Fine, I'll blast you two with all the hatred I've got!"

"Nothing can beat the strength of our love!" said Shredder.

Leonardo yelled in fury, and fired a disrupting green shockwave from the staff, while Shredder spun around and whipped a sparkling ribbon of magic at his enemy. The magic energy collided and there was a blast of bright white light.


	7. Burned to Toast?

Michelangelo managed to get up on his knees. "Oh, man, were we all, like, vaporized to milkshake? I can't die now! There are too many topping combinations left to try!"

"Don't worry, Michelagelo," said Leonardo. He moaned. "I think I'd be in much less pain if I were dead."

The turtles, April, and their nemeses had been knocked unconscious by the explosion of magical energy, and were lying in the middle of the street. Fortunately for them, due to a lack of budget, the show's animators hardly ever had people driving around. All seven of them had splitting headaches, but April looked particularly nauseated.

Raphael was the first to get back his footing and his bearings. "Hey, where are the weapons?" he asked.

"Look up," Donatello moaned. Raph did, and saw that there was a light green and blue dust falling from the sky.

"Hey," said Michelangelo, "it could be worse. That dust could be us, dudes."

"Uh, guys," said Raphael, "you remember that we still have two villains right in front of us that we have to deal with deal with, right?"

Shredder ran up to them. "Indeed you do! I'll blow you four away with my… nonexistent staff…" He trailed off.

Krang walked up to him. "Just let it go already!" he yelled at Shredder. "And turtles, we don't need your worthless prison planet, anyway."

Raphael grinned. "Sour grapes, huh?"

"No more taunting today, Raphael," Leonardo scolded him.

"Aw, come on, I just want to tell these two villains that they actually make a really cute couple. They deserve each other! I was just blinded by that hate weapon."

Surprisingly, instead of Shredder tearing off Raph's head and cooking it, he and Krang seemed pretty calm.

Shredder sighed. "You'd never believe how many people have told us that same thing."

"We probably have enough justification," said Krang. "We could actually get married. You know, for convenience's sake."

The turtles were utterly gobsmacked once again.

"What?" asked Krang. "Don't you know how high the evil warlord income tax rates are?"

Shredder took out a communicator and pressed a button that caused the tractor beam to activate once more. Before he and Krang disappeared, Shredder said, "I pray that I never see you wretched shellbacks again!"

"So, wait, does this mean interspecies marriage is legal in Dimension X?" asked Donatello. "I wish Irma and I could—"

"Woah there, daydream boy!" said Raphael. "You're just a teenager! You don't wanna get Irma investigated, do you?"

"Anyway, I'm not going to the wedding of those two villains," said Mikey.

The spaceship re-cloaked, and the turtles felt it blast off with another roar.

Raphael felt a tap on his shoulder, and when he turned around he saw an angry April O' Neil holding a busted video camera.

"Ahem, you guys," she said. "Cameras don't grow on trees, you know, and now Vernon probably got the spaceship story! I need to be reimbursed!"

"Hey," said Leonardo, "friends don't ask friends for reimbursement."

April glared at him the way nobody ever wants a woman to glare at them.

"Uh, okay, April. Maybe we haven't been the best friends recently. How about we give you free pizzas for a month?" asked Michelangelo.

"Not good enough!" she said.

"I know!" said Raphael. "Remember—" Raph paused to shudder, "Carter? Why not have the four of us, plus Splinter, give April some self-defense training so she doesn't keep getting kidnapped."

"Really?" asked April. "You'd do that for me?"

"Sure thing," said Mikey. "We're sorry for breaking your video camera. We were turned bad by that staff like it was the ring from those _Lord of the Rings_ movies."

"Actually, Michelangelo," said Donatello, "the _Lord of the Rings_ was originally a three part book series by—"

"Oh man, I hate it when he goes off like this, dudes," said Michelagelo.

Everyone glared at Mikey. "What, what'd I say?"

THE END


End file.
